Giving Your Best Life

Episode 104: Crafting a Couple's Path to Shared Well-being, Getting Your Spouse Onboard with Co-Host Zach Lloyd

• Stephanie L. Jones, Giving Gal

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Ever feel like you're on a solo mission toward health while your spouse is content with takeout and couch evenings? You're not alone. Join me, Stephanie, as I open up about the personal challenges I've faced in syncing my fitness goals with my spouse's lifestyle. Together with Zach Lloyd, the Sustainable Anti-Diet Coach, we dissect the complexities of diet and relationships, offering insights on how to foster communication and set realistic expectations that can turn your loved one into a supportive ally on your wellness journey.

This conversation goes beyond the typical "eat this, not that" dialogue. It's an exploration of the deep-seated connections between our past food experiences and our present habits, and how to navigate these waters within the context of our most intimate relationships. As Zach and Stephanie unravel listener scenarios, providing tailored strategies to help you balance your health aspirations with the dynamics of your relationship. Whether you're looking for tips on how to get your partner on board or seeking external support through a community like a local running group, this episode is a treasure trove of advice for those aiming to live healthier without sacrificing your relationship.

Connect with Zach:
 Zach's website here
Get a free resource: End Calorie Counting Toolkit here
Follow Zach on IG: @zachlloydcoaching 

Connect with Stephanie:

Get a free resource The 4G Method Journal here.
Shop Stephanie's books here.
Follow me on IG: @Giving_Gal or FB/GivingGal


Speaker 1:

Hey friends, it's Stephanie here with Giving your Best Life Podcast, and I'm here with my friend.

Speaker 2:

Zach Lloyd, Sustainable Anti-Diet Coach.

Speaker 1:

Awesome. So we're coming with a topic that we briefly touched on on. Our last episode was, I think it was around like spouses or people that you're living with when you're trying to get healthy and maybe them not. So much or maybe they don't need what you need. So thoughts or what do you see? Is this a struggle, or am I the only one that deals with this?

Speaker 2:

Yeah, no, this is a huge struggle. I actually have like a social support questionnaire that I use sometimes on people, because it's super helpful to understand what the environment at home looks like. Whether that's a spouse or even just like siblings can be an issue sometimes as well. So, yeah, where do you even start with that? The biggest thing is, like all marriage comes down to, is communication, it seems, and usually someone like let's pretend, one of the spouses wants to make a positive change with their health and the other one is not there yet but clearly still needs the positive change. That's the most common, yeah, and the person that is trying to make the change feels like the other spouse is holding them back or maybe not even encouraging the change as well as they probably should. That's kind of like the starting stage.

Speaker 1:

I think that you mentioned something. I think you said like feels like they're holding them back.

Speaker 2:

Yes.

Speaker 1:

And I will put myself in this situation. Just and I've been married 20 years, but just even the start of our marriage is'm an avid runner, or was haven't been so much lately, but I had this expectation that my husband was going to run with me. I knew when we dated my husband was not a runner, like we met in the police academy. He hated running. But it was like in my head now we're married, I've got a running partner. No now we're married.

Speaker 1:

I've got a running partner no so one, I think, improper expectations that we said, or what our spouses are going to be doing. I also think it comes down to personal responsibility. Yes, like I found myself so many times like going, I can't eat healthy because my husband, my husband can have a bag of chips, a box of Oreosos, whatever in the house, and it would last him six months. He's one of those people who could eat two Pringles.

Speaker 2:

I'm the person if there's a can of Pringles in the house, I will eat the whole can of. Pringles.

Speaker 1:

And so there's always this debate of like you can't control yourself.

Speaker 2:

I can.

Speaker 1:

Like I just want to have a little snack yourself. I can like I just want to have a little snack and what I've realized is I'm often blaming him for my issues, because it's easy not to take responsibility and just say I can't, yeah, eat healthy. Yeah, because it's like that's a lie. You're telling yourself that's wow that's.

Speaker 2:

Thanks for sharing that that's not easy to share.

Speaker 2:

I feel like I'm in the same boat, by the way. Yeah, I had a client literally today tell me that their spouse was gone for the weekend and they had a spectacular nutritional weekend, and now that their spouse is back, all is lost, right, and we talked about that and it's obviously there's this expectation from both sides too, where one of them might be making the meals as well, right? So if the person that is not on the the you know the the change path, let's call it. If, if they are making the meals, they're not going to be dialed in the way the person that's trying to make positive changes wants them to be, or vice versa, the positive change person is making these really like healthy meals and sometimes that will not be good enough for the other person because they're like where's the, where's the fat, where's the sauce?

Speaker 1:

or whatever they're looking for something that tastes good. Yeah, right, what is this?

Speaker 2:

a purple potato, what's going on, yeah. So I really think when you start, it's important to sit down and say, hey, like, and hopefully there's a place in your marriage where you can have that vulnerability of hey, you know, this is going to be hard for me to do and I would like you to do X, y and Z and set those expectations up front and then are you able to do that? Is that fair?

Speaker 2:

And then have that conversation of what that really looks like and then structurally, I think the person that's making the change it's on them, and I actually learned this from marriage counseling one time where it was like the therapist was saying hey, you're the one with the problem with your spouse, so you need to actually be the one to change, not your spouse, and the same thing applies here, where you need to take full ownership of that and then talk about what it looks like at the end of the day I love the idea of setting expectations up front, because this can show up in a lot of areas of your life where you start getting frustrated with someone in your life and if you take a step back then you realize like I had an expectation of this person.

Speaker 1:

I never communicated the expectation right. So I like your idea of like that's actionable. You can do that. Sit down, talk to your spouse. I love the idea of taking personal responsibility and I think it, too, takes away your excuse, like for me. That was one of my biggest excuses for a long time. Well, I can't do this, especially in like working out and running. I was like now I don't have anybody to run with. But then I found a local running group that met on Tuesdays and Thursdays. I didn't want to go for the longest time because again, I'm making excuses of I'm an introvert. It's awkward. I'm the new person. You start realizing how bad. You either want to go run and then you'll figure it out and you can embarrass yourself, you can be slow, whatever or you can stay where you're at which is where most people stay.

Speaker 1:

A lot of times it's stuck where they're at because it's easier. Yeah.

Speaker 2:

And it gets rid of that layer that's like hanging over this, you taking responsibility for why you're not getting to where you want to get and have not been getting there. And usually once you take off the blame out of that, then it's like what's left you and your problems. So it actually helps you get to your goals faster that way as well, which is super advantageous obviously.

Speaker 1:

Right, no, I like that. The other thing that you said on that is it reminds me of a book by Susie. I always get her name pronounced wrong so I can't even say it or spell it. It starts with an O and she has like the power of a praying wife, the power of a parent. You know those types of books and I love her book. I think it's like the power of a praying wife. Wife, and because she's having all these struggles in her marriage, you know she's like picking on her husband and god basically was telling her no, pray for you to change. Yeah, like you both. And she said like well, this isn't quoting, but I'm interpreting. It was like that hit her in the gut like wait me.

Speaker 1:

I'm the one that needs to be changed in here. Yeah, so I think that it is struggle, though do you have any tips around? Um, let's talk about my scenario where I am someone who, if there's chocolate, snacks, whatever in the house, uh, unless I really set up my structure and made a commitment, I can go off the rails. Yeah, and my husband is like I like to enjoy those and he doesn't have a problem. Yeah, so what are your thoughts on that? Or do you have any like practical tips, or is it really? Stephanie gets some discipline.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, there's a lot of things going on there, but it's definitely not, I don't think, usually a discipline issue. So what I would, what I would say it's it's more about so. The sustainable anti-diet approach. Yeah, can't you just say that? Only for you, though it's more about so. The sustainable anti-diet approach that I like to take right is the fact that restriction is almost always a bad idea Almost always and taking a break from those foods that are causing you that triggered feeling of emotion or just the behavior of overeating like, let's say, a snack or a food that's highly palatable, right for a little while, can be very helpful for you to come back.

Speaker 2:

And then it's not just like, oh, I'm not going to do it for like a week or whatever, like, have a very strict diet schedule and say, seven days I'm going to take myself away from that food and then I'm going to reintroduce it. And then, when you reintroduce it, be very, very intentional on that. The first couple times you actually eat it right and sit with it. And then there's a lot of note taking on what actually occurs. What occurs like when you're going to get the food. What's going on in your mind just going to the store. Um, I, I'm very similar to you, and for me it's just better to not have ice cream in my house at all I hear you there my husband will go get the container.

Speaker 1:

I was like I thought we had a hot carton. You know, there's like one scuba.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, right, exactly same thing, yeah, or yeah, my daughter's like hey wait, where'd the ice cream go, dad?

Speaker 2:

she literally, she literally will tell me like you can have one cookie no more. Um, so, having having that in place can be a good place to start, but it obviously can get a lot more complicated, depending on what emotions are wrapped up in that and, again, what you're actually trying to do. If you're just trying to lose weight in like the next couple of weeks, then it's really not a strategy that's going to work for you and you're probably going to restrict, and then you're going to find out that, oh, it worked for a little while, and then you're going to go back and then all of a sudden, you're doing the same behavior you don't want to do again, right? So biggest thing is, I would say, take a step back and really see why you do that. And full transparency here.

Speaker 2:

I still work on that myself, yeah, uh, and I I'm not expecting it to ever go away, potentially, because I think that's a good call. I think that's okay too. And two things can be true, right, you know what I mean, and it's, it's the evidence there that it's becoming a problem in my life that is affecting my health, then I need to step back from it. But if it's one of those things where oh, I tell people this all the time I like the extremes, it's like when my parents die, I'm going to have a ton of ice cream and I'm okay with that, that's okay. So there's going to be times in our lives where, again, it's getting away from the rules and having more of those um guardrails up, and occasionally you're going to jump off the guardrail.

Speaker 1:

That's okay I think that's a good of like. See, this is why I love this conversation, because we can be so strict with ourself in these rules, and this is what it has to look like. And, um, there was and I don't have it with me but, um, I think it's the power of prayer and fasting, maybe, but that that's what she talks about her window like opening and closing.

Speaker 2:

So she doesn't really restrict her food.

Speaker 1:

But it's like, let's say, my windows open at 11 and then it closes at 12, you know, and then maybe I can have dinner. And that's one thing that's been helpful for me, because I am a snacker and I'm somebody that snacks to avoid doing things. So, like you said, is really thinking about what you're doing, like as you're walking to the pantry, like, am I hungry? When was the last time I ate? Am I avoiding something? Am I bored? Like did I have a rough conversation? Did I read something? That's irritating me? Because that's really helpful when you can identify the thing that is making you get up off the couch, go to the pantry. Then you can recognize it and start to work through it.

Speaker 2:

Yeah, start to work through it.

Speaker 1:

And I think too I mean, you mentioned marriage counseling and we're not experts on everything, we're not. No, yeah, no, but it's like it's okay too if you recognize some of these things is go, maybe I need to go speak to a counselor and have some conversations. I'm seeing this trend around food and I really want to get control over it and deep dive a little bit. I don't know about you, but I always say coaching is looking forward and a lot of times.

Speaker 1:

counseling is looking backwards A lot of times with food, is you really have to do looking backwards to see, like, maybe, where some of that started? So yeah, um, any final tips with, like, the spouse and the house and how do you deal with that? And if you guys have specific questions you want us to dive into, like you have a situation, yeah, that you're dealing with in your house that you want us to jump into, we happy to do too but anything else I'll call your husband, just kidding.

Speaker 2:

No, I think that's a good place to wrap up. And then just to sum all that up, right, just go have the hard conversation, whether it's with your spouse or yourself.

Speaker 1:

Yeah, I like that. Um so, friends, this is just another way another conversation with Zach that you can get to giving your best life.